The Lesbian Homemaker

School Days

2009-08-29T11:59:00.013-05:00

Saturday is here, and we have made it through the first week of school. Little Bug started kinder this year. I handled it well - I only only cried the first day. I even waited until after I left her classroom. I was quite proud of myself. :) To be fair, she did well this week too. I could tell by Friday she was wearing down though. Her big brown eyes were a little wet and puffy when I dropped her off Friday morning. We were definitely ready for the weekend to come.

Today we are off to buy her new shoes. Apparently, her feet grew over the past month because only a month ago I bought her seven pairs. She obviously hasn't received the memo that Mommy needs her to stay small just a little bit longer.

The Little Man also had a good first week. He was glad to see many of his classmates from previous years and was very excited to be back in school. I have high hopes for this year. He will be receiving more reading, language arts, and resource time. I have also hired a private speech pathologist to supplement the speech time he is receiving at school. We have been diligent about working on reading and speech over the summer, so hopefully we won't see any regression this year like we did last year.

All in all, it was a good week. To top it off, we celebrated by making back-to-school cupcakes! I probably shouldn't have eaten three - but I did.

Homosexuality and Motherhood

2009-08-28T10:26:00.005-05:00

Life is somewhat back to normal around here. My partner has started a new job, and I am back in school, which is both exciting and terrifying. The subject of my blog today is homosexuality and motherhood because, inevitably, the relationship between the two always makes for a stressful start at any new job or school.

The situation that prompted me to touch on this subject took place inside of a women's studies class that I attended yesterday. As the class looked over the new syllabus, we were asked to answer, by a show of hands, if any of us were mothers. A simple question? Yes. Yet, I didn’t raise my hand. Was it because I wasn’t sure if I was a mother? No, I know that I’m a mother. Was it because I was ashamed of being a mother? No, I think motherhood is important. Was it because I wished I was not a mother? No, I enjoy parenting my children and am grateful that I am able to do so. A simple question? Yes. A simple answer? No. The answer to this question has never been simple, not because the answer itself is complex, but because the answers to the questions that follow are complex.

I am a lesbian. I am also a mother. When people discover these two things about me, I am often bombarded with questions that are both intimate and inappropriate. My partner and I are constantly faced with the challenge of tactfully answering not so tactful questions. Curious strangers seem to think it is okay to pry into the sexual and private details of our relationship. This is always an upsetting and invasive experience. People would never dream of throwing such inappropriate questions at a heterosexual couple. I can’t imagine walking up to a heterosexual woman and inquiring about whether her children were adopted and who their “real parents” were. I can’t fathom asking her if her husband’s sperm was used in the creation of her children or if she was impregnated by some other man. I would never ask a heterosexual woman if her children came out of her vagina. Yet, for some reason, the combination of my sexual preference and my parental status leads most people, including strangers, to believe that they can ask me just about anything, and that is not okay. I understand that people are often curious about things with which they are not familiar. However, it is not appropriate to violate the sexual privacy of any couple, heterosexual or homosexual. It was the fear of being violated in this way that kept me from answering such a simple and seemingly harmless question. “Are any of you mothers?” Yes, I am a mother. My partner is also a mother, and we are both “real parents”.

Rediscovering My Soul within a Recession

2009-07-15T22:31:00.008-05:00

Eight months ago, I bought my first Jaguar. It was a good day. I remember the proud feeling of knowing that my partner and I had worked hard to earn it. We had always been very careful to put our family’s needs first, to build up our safety net, and to make rational decisions. And we had finally reached a point in our lives where we could be a little frivolous and not have to stress out about it afterward.

A month later, IT happened – I was laid off. No warning, no compensation package, no clue what to do next. To make matters worse, we received our son’s autism diagnosis the same day. I wondered how on earth we would cover all of the services he would need without health coverage. Yet, we pushed on. We put the children on my partner’s health insurance plan. Luckily, the company she worked with offered domestic partner health benefits. We started eating healthier, cheaper, home-cooked meals – after all, I had all of the time in the world to cook. And I stopped shopping for unnecessary things. We were living tightly, and it was frustrating at times. But we were making it. After buckling down, we realized that we could live on less, and I really enjoyed being able to spend time with our children. The time I had available to give to my children was well worth the financial burden. Looking back, we were all miserable when I was working. The two hour commute to and from work, the after school programs the kids were stuck in, the late dinners I had to throw together, and the lack of time we had together were exhausting realities. I was relieved to escape those things. We adjusted, and life went on.

Then IT happened again. A few weeks ago, my partner was laid off. It definitely hit us hard when I was no longer employed, but the impact of my partner losing her job was nothing short of a kick to the face. Or at least, that’s how it felt at first. I cried, I stressed, and I went into survival mode. We had a yard sale. We created a realistic budget. We cut luxuries that once seemed like necessities. But amidst the long hours of combing through finances, submitting resumes, and deciding what to sell next, I found something invaluable – my soul.

It seems I lost it somewhere along the way while "providing the best” for my family. I thought that “providing the best” meant the best Montessori preschool money could buy, the best car I could afford, a house in the best homeowners association located within close vicinity to the best rated schools. While I must admit that school ratings are and always will be very important to us, the rest, I have discovered, is not quite as important as I once thought it was.

I have discovered much over these past few weeks, like how fun it is to play board games with the kids in the evenings – much more enjoyable than shoveling out $50 to see a movie together, which is not much of a bonding activity, considering that we can’t see or speak to each other during a movie. Our family has rediscovered the library. I’m amazed by how many activities take place at the city library, and my partner and I have a newfound love for classic movies (also available for free at the library). I’ve started clipping coupons and enjoyed a free macchiato this morning. We even discovered that a local family arcade has half-priced game days once a week. We’ve started walking to the park instead of driving and are finally enjoying many of the amenities we have been paying our HOA for but not using. We are spending more time together than we have ever had the opportunity to before, and while this is a stressful time, this is time that we have together.

I’ve learned more in this short time of struggle than I have in years of excelling at work. I’ve learned that we do not have to spend money to have fun and that the most meaningful activities are usually free. I have learned that there are caring people in this world, like our son’s amazing speech pathologist, who will help you if you can put aside your pride and be honest with them. I have reconnected with my family. I’ve learned to put my pride aside and to let close friends and family members know that we are not perfect – and that’s okay. They love me even when I cannot show up bearing gifts, and I think they actually appreciate not having to listen to us ramble on about our careers and how well life is treating us. I’ve learned that we were a little “uppity” as my mother so tactfully (insert sarcasm here) put it. And when this is but a short chapter in the story of our lives, when this stressful time is behind us, I will remember this. I will remember that those who love us will love us irregardless of what we do or do not accomplish, that money does not buy happiness, that children want our time more than anything else, and that some things in life are worth small sacrifices.